Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Boxing Day Carol

Not EMS related, but seasonal.

Once upon a time, long ago, there was a man named Jesus. Jesus got into a fight with another man named Santa. A great battle ensued. Santa won the battle, which ended with Jesus being squirted out of a virgin vagina as a baby. The details of this phenomenon are complicated, so don’t ask.

When Jesus grew up, he challenged Santa to a rematch. Every year since then, the ongoing rivalry has resulted in a Death Match Ultimate Cage Fight. Wagers were staked on either Jesus or Santa. Wagers can take the form of cash or prizes. Today these wagers are called Christmas Gifts, since we now live in a more enlightened society. We’re not sure who has the advantage; Jesus lives in our hearts but Santa watches us all year. Somehow this surveillance has a bearing on the outcome of the fight, perhaps by gauging support for which contestant is our favorite.

In the uncertainty of the fight’s outcome and the inherent dangers of such a bout between two powerful pugilists each year, Christmas trees were invented. These brightly decorated trees are placed near windows and doors as a hedge to protect us in case one of the Death Match fighters gets knocked out of the arena into our houses.

Santa needs milk and cookies to refresh himself between rounds. These are placed near the stockings that are hung by the chimney with care. The stockings are used as makeshift boxing gloves in case Santa’s and Jesus’ wear out. Since the Christmas trees, garlands and wreaths block other entry points to houses, Santa must use the chimney to enter. Jesus has easier access; he can just return home to our hearts and exit through any of our body orifices into our houses. Jesus eats the Christmas dinner leftovers to refresh himself. Christmas dinners are deliberately made to have an excess of food specifically for this purpose.

Since more people seem to favor Santa over Jesus, experts are predicting him as this year’s winner. Results of the fight are posted on December 26th. And this, friends, is the reason December 26th is called Boxing Day. Merry Christmas!

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